Written by Kate Shuttleworth | 10 September 2011

I must confess to internet dating, which invokes the same feelings of embarrassment as admitting to not picking up your dog’s poo on the promenade or reading YOU magazine.
My foray into the world of internet dating was for purposes of research. Really it was, no, really. It was in fact an attempt to address the imbalance between men and women in the Kingdom of Hearts; I would do the research, dig up a ton of men and keep the nuggets.

It was a little like mining, I found, sifting and discarding intellectual hamsters, lascivious Lotharios, men in recovery from triple personality bypass surgery and lying lounge lizards. Some can’t spell and some have had their sense of humour surgically removed. Many have both afflictions. Like Colon from the Bluff, seeking a sole mate, who did not seem to get it when I asked if an old trout would do.

Caveman asked ‘Who is she?’ when I asked if he was looking for Mrs Ples and the man who asked “Do you love live?”  asked if I was sick when I said that I hadn’t tried it dead. He clearly did not understand when I said that I did not want anyone who needed a proctologist as a specialist doctor. Neither did the others who replied to the following advert, asking about the make, model, year and colour.

WELL MAINTAINED VINTAGE sports model seeks considerate new owner. Perfect paint and body work, relatively low mileage, economical to run, maintenance contract available.
Well, they weren’t on Carfind.co.za. The chap who asked if it had a large boot and if it was likely to backfire had his tongue firmly in cheek and is one of the four sane, solvent, sober and sincere men that I added to my data base out of almost six hundred profiles.

What was I looking for? I knew what I was not. Good dinner party material seemed to sum it up, but I changed that when Richard asked if I liked sausages for supper and when I described myself full bodied, like a fine wine Rod asked if I would like to get corked.

I met some of the men that showed promise. Tom had an Addis moustache, died hair and a gold tooth of which he seemed to be inordinately proud.  Dick had fat veined cheeks in a chipmunk phuza face and breath that could have powered a lawnmower and Harry had a fine head of hairy ears.

I finally hung up my mouse when in response to a description of myself as ‘Well read and well bred’. The reply came ‘Are you good in bed, do you give good head?’ I had tickled the underbelly of internet dating and I did not like it. Not one byte.

Written by Kate Shuttleworth | 29 August 2011

Patience, I used to be told as a child, is a virtue and virtue is a grace. But I was neither gracious nor patient and used to chant “Patience is a virtue, virtue is a Grace and Grace is the name of a girl who has no virtue”.

So I am sympathetic to people who want something to happen today, a date tonight, to meet their prince, their knight in shining armour, the man of their dreams today, tomorrow and if not by the end of this week or month or before their birthday , which happens to be only 3 weeks away.

I understand too that people come to me when they are ready; they have been getting around to it for months, years even and have finally made the courageous step to call me, meet me and lay bare their innermost feelings, longings, yearnings. And having taken that step they want to meet someone soon.

My heart sinks when I see an email from someone who has been waiting for 3 months, sometimes 6, sometimes almost a year, asking when it will happen, when will they get a call, a date, when will it happen for them, and I can only say that it will, please be patient, your call will be answered and redouble my efforts, but I feel the stress, feel put under the pressure and take the strain.

With the news that a date has been set for the third marriage and my latest male client calling off all future dates as he has met the woman he has been looking for at introduction no 2, that makes it 24 matches within the year of officially being in business, I think I can confidently say to all those ladies, and one or two men, “Patience” it will happen and when you are least expecting it, the phone will ring and I will say to you as I did to the lady in my latest match, a client who has been with me for even before the official launch, “I think I’ve got him”.

See me as a duck, seemingly gliding across the pond, but in reality paddling furiously underneath.

Written by Kate Shuttleworth | 29 June 2011

One of my biggest challenges in this business is dealing with the expectations of clients wanting to meet people in an age group far removed from their own.

A potential client who did not join the Kingdom of Hearts, a CA with an LLB who heads up a blue chip company,  insisted that he would only meet women 25 years younger than his age. At least. Without hesitating, he added “but they must not be after my money!” Did you skip Logic 101, Boet?

Very few women want to meet men who are younger than they are, and those that do inevitably look years younger than their actual age. In France it is common for men to pursue “women of a certain age” and mature women are valued for their warmth, wit and wisdom. Of course, French women do look after themselves.

When learning this business and working in the UK where we obtained mentorship from the Association of British Introduction Agencies, we learnt that the European Union standard for Introduction Agencies was not to introduce people to each other where there was a gap of more than 10 years either way.

With a relaxation of rules in Saudi Arabia, women are now not only allowed to drive cars, but also to marry foreigners. That is provided that they are drug and disease free, are followers of Islam and the age gap between the couple is not larger than 25 years.

Doctor Eve’s letters of advice regarding men looking for younger women say how this is due to the way men are programmed for reasons of reproduction, that even though they are over 50 and 60 and have no intention or desire to have more offspring are attracted to good looking breeding stock. Someone forgot to put the off switch into the wiring circuit.

Fortunately for older women, intellect and common sense kick in and hit that switch with many older men who understand that they have very few interests in common with women who grew up a generation younger than their own. Music, culture and memories differ vastly between a man who grew up in the deep shadow of World War 2 and a woman whose culture and mores have been fashioned by Woodstock and free love.

A favourite client puts it that at his ideal dinner party, Bill Clinton, Joni Mitchell, Helen Zille, Cleopatra, Woody Allen and His Truly would be present and how would a callow, shallow, barely formed nymphette cope with that?

An older man with a substantially younger, good looking woman is regarded at with envy, but it is inevitably mumbled “ it must be for his money”. What defies logic is that so many of them are prepared to be parodied in the same manner.

Written by Kate Shuttleworth | 16 May 2011

It is over seven months since the launch of the Kingdom of Hearts and it is now time to examine the State of the Nation. However, we have to bear in mind what Chairman Mao said when asked about the French Revolution and if he considered it to be a success.

We have had matches ignite on first meeting only to crash and burn within days, some within weeks and others, sadly I have just heard are over after months of heady romance, commitment and almost marriage.

But the first marriages are being planned, a commitment ceremony has happened and many others have put their membership on hold to continue to explore their romantic future.

I am happy to report that love and romance is not the sole preserve of the young and the beautiful, but that the old and the restless have had their share of moonlight and roses. All have been bold. Three couples in their sixties have met and hit it off, one called it off quite early on but two are going strong. The couple in my story Today I can rule the world has finally met and she is in Greece with him sharing his keftedes as they contemplate their lives together.

I have had couples meet who ticked each and every one of the other’s boxes who simply did not get on and another couple who decided to meet as there was nothing better to do but had no expectations of each other fall deeply and madly in love. Cupid’s bow has gone technological and I have had two romances blossom in cyberspace, proving it is possible to fall in love by sms, by email and telephone.

Seventeen matches in seven and a half months, of which twelve still seem to be firmly on the table with one break up and make up.

The Kingdom of Hearts has annexed the territory in the North and is now operating in Gauteng where our first Joburg match has already happened.

Love has proved to blind and indiscriminate of age, colour or creed. There has been disappointment and heartbreak along the way, tempered by hope, optimism and humour. There is a buoyancy of mood, a cavorting of hormones, the sap is rising and possibilities abound.

Enjoy the journey, I urge. Sometimes it is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. And what did Chairman Mao say about the French Revolution being a success?

“It is too soon to tell”.