Dear Dr. Eve, even when we're communicating well in other areas, my partner and I often get bogged down when it comes to talking about sex. I often feel we have very different expectations in this area.

DR. EVE ANSWERS:

Let me tell you a secret, a universal secret: people cannot talk about sexuality. If we could we would not have a HIV/AIDS epidemic as people would ask without fear, to use condoms. If we spoke, women would reliably have orgasms and men would not have performance anxiety. Women would not fall pregnant unintentionally and men would know when they were raping a woman/man.

But truth is we don’t talk about sexuality cos we don’t have a language that is comfortable for us and common to two people.

Aah the story of expectations.. why have them? They cause trouble. I want you to consider what your expectations are. Go on, write them down and get your partner to write down his/hers. I bet they will both be traditional in terms of what man/woman is supposed to want,  and filled with what you think each other wants rather than what you really want.  Stop being polite and write – it will be an interesting experience for you and a wonderful way to spend time: both of you sharing your lists of expectations. May you both be filled with surprises for each otherJ

Dear Dr. Eve, one thing that's difficult for me in relationships is "hanging on to myself." It seems that once I get close to someone -- roommate, friend, or lover -- I give in and accommodate so much that there's nothing left of me.

DR. EVE ANSWERS:

You are only doing what comes naturally to all of us- attaching to someone for security, safety, comfort and care – and in this process loose yourself. This is your fear speaking, the fear of rejection, the fear of being alone and lonely. It can take a lot of time and hurt for some one to say “enough”.

You want to consider why you are so dependent on other’s approval. Why you can’t give yourself approval. Perhaps you are choosing people to hang out with that you don’t really admire but its an easier space for you to be in as you fear rejection by people you really like. Eventually you will get so irritated that you will become nasty. Let these friendships go before you begin to dislike and disrespect yourself.

In terms of partners, the challenge is greater as the risk of loss is even greater. Which is why people compromise more than they should in relationships. People can see you coming. I bet from the start you are always giving in to their choices, saying it doesn’t matter where you go eat, what you two do together. And I bet you don’t complain about bad sex.

The fact that you have written into Kate shows you are ready for a change. Start choosing different partners to date. Be very aware, from date 1, how you are feeling with this person, whether or not you can find your voice , keep yourself still. And when “accommodation” steps in, you walk out and accommodate yourself.

Dear Dr. Eve, I don't think I have a poor self-concept. I feel pretty good about myself. But this is a big university, and it's easy to get lost in the crowd. How do I go about meeting people?

DR. EVE ANSWERS:

I wonder how old you are.. if you are a late stage student then you will feel somewhat out of the estrogen/testosterone population . And they make up the majority on any campus. I wonder what you would have in common with one of these wonderfully naïve and youthful students. And  there is little chance for you to meet the love of your life- unless you break the rules and have it off with your professor/tutor.

If you are one of these youthful students you need to have big balls (non gender specific) to be able to find yourself on a campus. Perhaps you have moved from another town to a big university and are simply overwhelmed with being one of many- and many of you look the same. And if you don’t look like them, you may very well feel pressured to as you want friends.

University is a place of rebirth. A place in which you leave behind your childhood and engage as an adult in adult world. So best to break your own rules and go into this world with curiosity and openness.

This does not mean indulge till-you-puke in the drugs, sex and rock n  roll world – this is never healthy. Break your rules that says don’t speak to strangers- speak to strangers who you feel would be interesting to you, find them in places that are interesting for you. And go even further into your adulthood and carry condoms with you- for those “just in case” moments. It can be incredibly lonely and so I encourage you to haul your ass out of fear , and be active in finding a community to which you can belong.

Dear Dr.Eve, I have been divorced for 4years and am now 53 ,I'm really nervous about dating again. My husband had many affairs, which I found out about all at once. We had been sweethearts since I was 15 and this came as a terible shock. I left him even though I had been a stay at home mom for 20yrs. Sort of back on my feet now,just getting my confidence back and I find out he is dating a 30yr old, him being 57. She and her small children are about to move into my house. How this hurts.A friend saw his profile on a dating site and he is looking for someone 25-40yrs old. I can't cope with this.  I am scared to try again but am desperate for love, but my choices seem to be above 60yrs old. Why would kingdomofhearts be better than trying online?

DR. EVE ANSWERS:

Without sounding patronizing I am proud of you for standing on your own feet after years of couplehood. When you began your courtship with your ex you were a child a teenage child. Being a couple for all your years since then gives you a very different manner of engaging in the world- its always “us” rather than “I”. Now you are an “I”, a strong “I” who is still in shock and suffering terrible pain as you watch your ex become an “I” in a totally foreign manner for you. He is a stranger to you now as he finds his own self independent of you.

I hear you are in shock again as you discover that he is moving on with another woman. It is such a reality hit. Add to that moving in to “your” house with a younger woman and children.. eina!

From your mail I am understanding that you have not attempted to date as yet. Perhaps you were living in hope that this is all a nightmare and he will walk back in the door saying “wake up – it was a nightmare”.

Perhaps this latest shock has motivated you into thinking about your own emotional and sexual needs, your right to a healthy loving relationship. Hence Kingdom of Hearts. You ask “why Kingdom of Hearts”? It’s clear you are fragile emotionally and you have to be naïve in the world of dating – since you have never actually been on an adult date in your life. Getting onto internet dating may be like throwing you to the lion’s den -  you may not be able to see the difference between integrity and manipulation, as people write to you, flirt with you. You may succumb to the first man who compliments you or find yourself being unprepared for sex , safer sex especially.

Kate will guide you through this process – she will be the one who inadvertently protects you by sifting through men who she thinks would be a good match for you. She will be like a fairy godmother to you- and it really sounds as if you need one.

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