Dear Dr.Eve, I have been divorced for 4years and am now 53 ,I'm really nervous about dating again. My husband had many affairs, which I found out about all at once. We had been sweethearts since I was 15 and this came as a terible shock. I left him even though I had been a stay at home mom for 20yrs. Sort of back on my feet now,just getting my confidence back and I find out he is dating a 30yr old, him being 57. She and her small children are about to move into my house. How this hurts.A friend saw his profile on a dating site and he is looking for someone 25-40yrs old. I can't cope with this. I am scared to try again but am desperate for love, but my choices seem to be above 60yrs old. Why would kingdomofhearts be better than trying online?
DR. EVE ANSWERS:
Without sounding patronizing I am proud of you for standing on your own feet after years of couplehood. When you began your courtship with your ex you were a child a teenage child. Being a couple for all your years since then gives you a very different manner of engaging in the world- its always “us” rather than “I”. Now you are an “I”, a strong “I” who is still in shock and suffering terrible pain as you watch your ex become an “I” in a totally foreign manner for you. He is a stranger to you now as he finds his own self independent of you.
I hear you are in shock again as you discover that he is moving on with another woman. It is such a reality hit. Add to that moving in to “your” house with a younger woman and children.. eina!
From your mail I am understanding that you have not attempted to date as yet. Perhaps you were living in hope that this is all a nightmare and he will walk back in the door saying “wake up – it was a nightmare”.
Perhaps this latest shock has motivated you into thinking about your own emotional and sexual needs, your right to a healthy loving relationship. Hence Kingdom of Hearts. You ask “why Kingdom of Hearts”? It’s clear you are fragile emotionally and you have to be naïve in the world of dating – since you have never actually been on an adult date in your life. Getting onto internet dating may be like throwing you to the lion’s den - you may not be able to see the difference between integrity and manipulation, as people write to you, flirt with you. You may succumb to the first man who compliments you or find yourself being unprepared for sex , safer sex especially.
Kate will guide you through this process – she will be the one who inadvertently protects you by sifting through men who she thinks would be a good match for you. She will be like a fairy godmother to you- and it really sounds as if you need one.
