Dear Dr Eve
I got carried away at our Christmas party and ended up in bed with my boss. We had great sex (I think, I had also had a lot of champagne) and told each other how much we had always fancied each other and … nothing. I have not heard from him; he went on leave immediately after the party and now I am on leave. I don’t know how to face him when I return to work. Help!
DR. EVE ANSWERS:
Oh dear! These festive times can end up in very non festive feelings. You both committed the fatal error of crossing boundaries, bringing the business world into your personal worlds.
Alcohol gives one permission to expose one self – and too often leads to regrets the next day. I am so opposed to these Xmas Staff Parties as they provide fertile breeding ground for boundaries to be crossed. Management creates an environment , same as these “bosberaad” environments, for staff to “connect”.
In this environment it is almost as if “big daddy” – the bosses – have given permission for the “children” to play – and play they will.
It is well known in business culture that in every work space, there is what is called “the fuck factor”: somebody wants to fuck someone. I say: why have staff parties, together with alcohol, knowing that this sets people up to enact this fantasy.
The work environment in itself is a very intimate space which contributes to affairs so easily happening here. All the requirements to feel a connection, to have a relationship, are there: constant access to each other, discussing things that are important to you (work) , being in a small contained space; seeing each other when one is all dressed up and smelling nice, feeling appreciated and acknowledged, are very seductive elements which conspire to form attachments to each other. Put this scenario into your Xmas party and it’s a cork about to be popped.
Your dilemma comes in the wake of this popping of the cork. As a boss how do you face your employee after knowingly breaking the rules that he has agreed to uphold? I guess flight from the scene of the crime is a common response, quite cowardly, but common. Of course this changes your working relationship forever- perhaps he is ruminating about how to manage his business relationship with you going forward.
No matter what is going on your bosses life and head you need to be proactive. You need to decide what you want to do with this conundrum. Clearly a discussion needs to be held else the pink elephant will constantly be begging for attention which will directly affect both of your work lives. Question is what to say and when to say it. And it is at this point that I leave you to consider how as an adult, you are going to manage this difficult situation.
