Dear Dr Eve
I have recently met the most wonderful man but when we attempted intimacy for the first time I froze up. I later realised that it would have been the first time ever that I would have had sex without a few drinks (I stopped drinking about 6 years ago which is the last time I was intimate with anyone). I don’t know if I should have a glass of wine or perhaps I have just become naturally frigid.
DR. EVE ANSWERS:
Many people associate alcohol with sexuality. Unfortunately many people need alcohol in order to be sexual- as seems in your situation. Alcohol in small amounts (what does that mean, I often wonder..) is a disinhibitor and allows people to let down their guards and feel more free to be comfortable in their bodies as well as be sexually more expressive and even exploratory.
As a health care provider and as a very vocal proponent of healthy life styles, I of course am opposed to people needing alcohol for sexuality. One drink becomes two and more in order to get the same effect until you are now into the depressive phase of alcohol. And then you think you are having great sex and “performing” really well only to find out , when sober, that in fact sex has become a mess.
As I have no information on your sexual or alcohol history the healthy life stlyer in me wonders why you would want to go back to alcohol. Sure it may give you that initial glow of comfort and confidence . but to rely on alcohol to “unfreeze” you is really not a good idea.
I can well understand that becoming sexual again after 6 years/any length of time, can be intimidating and anxiety provoking. And now you are having what is called “sober sex”. This feels way different to alcohol induced sex. In a sober state you feel every stare, every sensation your body produces and potentially can have a just fantastic experience , a cascade of sensations that may feel completely new to you. Factor in too that you are 6 years older and your body needs different experiences now. Perhaps the old ways of intimacy no longer work for you, no longer get you aroused.
I recommend some quiet moments alone with your sober self , your body, some great porn, good quality lubricant and your own fingers to explore and experiment. Discover the potential of your body and mind to become unfrozen. Please consider your health as any illnesses, medication you are taking may impact on your sexual responses. And then you may just need to go straight into the toy box and playJ
