Dear Dr Eve
Every time I meet a man who does something gross it turns me off. Something gross would be like farting in front of me or leaving a smell in the bathroom or talking about his bowel movements (ugh! Why do all men do it?). I really do want a relationship but cannot deal with the (sorry) shitty reality.
DR. EVE REPLIES:
I find your letter amusingJ Do men seriously behave that way with you?? Without wanting to be prejudiced men do give themselves more permission to be free with their juices, smells and lavatorial habits. It’s culturally imbued. Consider the kinds of jokes that men exchange with each other- they are either sexual or lavatorial. If you go to a comedy show the humour is often built on these two topics: sex and toileting. We all laugh but men seem to extend this conversation into the intimacy of their boudoirs. There is generally less inhibition that men have with their bodies than women do. And more the sadness for this.
Women are trained to be “clean” which brings along with it all kinds of bodily inhibitions. This is no good either. We women may take it to the extreme and focus excessively on being “clean” which can lead to a lack of sexual spontaneity as we have to get “clean” before engaging in sexual contact.
Recently I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends who had ended a relationship with a man. She told me how devine it is to be able to lie in her own bed and fart rather than keep it in and have a stomach ache:) From your letter it seems men you have dated feel free to let it all out.
The question one has to ask is : is this sharing of bodily functions not merely a sign of comfortableness around you or is it rudeness?? I guess it all depends on how comfortable you are with your own bodily functions. If this is a private ritual for you then you will feel invaded by this unnecessary sharing.
Once in a relationship it is important to establish boundaries generally. And personal spaces, including hygienic cleansing spaces, must be discussed too. During dating and sleep overs one gets a sense of the person’s relationship to bodily privacy. It may be wrong timing to immediately voice your dislike for this behavior – unless you are a bold person and merely, elegantly put it out thereJ So when entering into a more formalized relationship it is appropriate to state what your privacy needs are.
By the way both people have the right to this discussion – I have generalized and focused on men when in fact many many men are private and pedantic about their toileting habits.
