Dear Dr. Eve, one thing that's difficult for me in relationships is "hanging on to myself." It seems that once I get close to someone -- roommate, friend, or lover -- I give in and accommodate so much that there's nothing left of me.
DR. EVE ANSWERS:
You are only doing what comes naturally to all of us- attaching to someone for security, safety, comfort and care – and in this process loose yourself. This is your fear speaking, the fear of rejection, the fear of being alone and lonely. It can take a lot of time and hurt for some one to say “enough”.
You want to consider why you are so dependent on other’s approval. Why you can’t give yourself approval. Perhaps you are choosing people to hang out with that you don’t really admire but its an easier space for you to be in as you fear rejection by people you really like. Eventually you will get so irritated that you will become nasty. Let these friendships go before you begin to dislike and disrespect yourself.
In terms of partners, the challenge is greater as the risk of loss is even greater. Which is why people compromise more than they should in relationships. People can see you coming. I bet from the start you are always giving in to their choices, saying it doesn’t matter where you go eat, what you two do together. And I bet you don’t complain about bad sex.
The fact that you have written into Kate shows you are ready for a change. Start choosing different partners to date. Be very aware, from date 1, how you are feeling with this person, whether or not you can find your voice , keep yourself still. And when “accommodation” steps in, you walk out and accommodate yourself.
